How do children learn to manage feelings?
by David Weiskotten, Committee Member
Easton Rotary Club
A mother with several energetic young children came to see me for help with parenting. She said there were frequent outbursts and a lot of arguing among the kids. They didn’t listen well when she tried to guide and support them. Family life felt very tiring and chaotic. She was describing children who could not manage their thoughts and feelings, resulting in uncontrolled and disruptive behavior.
This mom did an excellent job of supporting and nurturing her children. But like many families, life was hectic and fast-paced, resulting in a lack of consistency and structure.
Early in our work together, we discussed the joy and benefits of family meals in creating structured family time. But their apartment was too small to accommodate a table big enough for everyone, so they ate in shifts, with the kids alternating between video games and eating. Gradually, we worked out a plan.
Through friends and neighbors, the mother came up with a piece of plywood and two sawhorses. So, while their mother prepared dinner, the kids all had jobs assembling the table, collecting chairs, putting out an old sheet as a tablecloth, and placing the necessary plates and utensils. And each had a responsibility for cleaning up and washing dishes. Homework and quiet time came immediately afterward.
The kids felt responsible, valued, and connected in this daily routine. Dinner became a safe time to share and feel heard. Over time they got more involved in picking the menu and preparing food. One of the kids made cloth napkins for everyone and two others decorated the sheet with drawings.
After a week or two, the mother reported that the kids were calmer, better behaved, and listening more often.
So, what do kids need from us adults in order to develop the ability to manage thoughts and feelings in healthy ways? In addition to the love and attention that all children need, consistency and structure in a safe environment are absolutely necessary. Kids need time with adults in which they can share and explore the myriad thoughts and feelings that their developing brains experience (many of which can be confusing and scary), and learn that this is normal and manageable in healthy ways. We do this as parents, teachers, coaches, neighbors, relatives, and anyone else who spends time with young kids.
Structure and consistency are good for us adults too, providing calm and comfortable breaks from all of our responsibilities. Meals provide excellent opportunities. Breakfast and dinner routines in particular offer great bookends to the day. Start a dinner routine in which each person shares one good thing that happened that day or one thing each is looking forward to. Or how about Friday night ice cream sundaes or Saturday morning pancakes? Depending on their ages, get the kids involved in preparation and cleanup.
What is one way you can help children in your world manage their feelings?